Mmmm, tasty

Ever rented a place? Not a holiday place, a semi-permanent place. Perhaps somewhere nice like a small detached house near the centre of town yet, at the same time, nicely secluded, peaceful, quiet? Warm, clean, freshly decorated. New kitchen, new bathroom , new floors, freshly decorated. Reasonable rent. Dare I say reasonable landlord?

If your oven broke down on a Saturday and this caused you great distress did he go out and buy a new one on Sunday and fit it himself? Did you ever ask your landlord to give you first refusal, because you liked the house so much, should he want to sell? Did he keep his word?

After all this would you hmmm and haaa for months, stalling a decision, safe in the knowledge your landlord was conscious of not wanting to throw you out with your partner and stepchild (who weren’t part of the original deal) and make you homeless in the run up to Christmas?

When you did choose not to take up your requested offer and moved on to somewhere else would you leave forgetting to tell the landlord about the broken sink in the bathroom (which you’d hidden under a roll of kitchen towels)? When your landlord discovered this and asked you to replace it would you begrudgedly have a new sink delivered but see it as his responsibility to fit it and throw a major wobbly fit when asked to pay for making good and leave the place in something close to the condition you found it?

If you can answer yes to all these questions then you can only be one person and I will have much, much bigger revenge you cheap, nasty piece of shit and your two-faced girlfriend. But not for a few months. And it will be big and it will be served stone cold. And it will come at you from so many directions you won’t know who it’s coming from or why. But it will cost you much, MUCH more than an odd-job plumber would have. So, enjoy your new place.

Ah, I feel alive again. Nothing like a good old grudge and a bit of revenge plotting to warm the cockles, eh?